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WHO's
WHO
in
TILBURY TOWN
The Art, Culture and Hardware Store
Capital of the World.
This
is a brief description of the movers and shakers and others of influence
whose names appear in the Tilbury Chronicles coming soon to this web
site.
NOTE: One of the sweetest plums in the hierarchy of municipal
positions in Tilbury Town is that of Town Photographer, a permanent
position with no statutory provisions for replacing an incumbent in
his or her lifetime. Several decades ago this elective honor
went to Sophie Florsheimer. Some folks claimed she won the position
by default which may be true since she owned the only camera in town
- and still does. The same camera. She also does her own
film developing and printing.
Sophie's
camera is an eighty year old Kodak Box Brownie with a cracked lens.
They haven't made film for this camera for at least thirty years.
Fortunately, Sophie bought up Jimbo Jenkins roll film inventory just
before he closed his drug store and retired back in the sixties. The
film was outdated so the price was right. We mention this to
account for the peculiar quality of the portraits on the left.
We
wish to thank Sophie for her contribution to this website. She
is still very active in the community in spite of her years and the
fact that for the last four years she's been legally blind.
GRAM
and GRAMP BOOLEAN:
Bed and Breakfast entrepreneurs and champions of free enterprise.
Operators of Tilbury's official Clandestine Still, producers of the
locally famous SubRosa Brand of Spirited Potables. Currently negotiating
with Hilda Cheevy on some kind of Professional Association.
HILDA
CHEEVY:
Unmarried. Widely known for her boutique home brews and her deft way
with state liquor enforcement inspectors. Aunt to Arlo.
Sister to Waldo.
WALDO
CHEEVY:
Owns the hardware store bearing his name. Grandson of Miniver, progenitor
of half of Tilbury Town. Brother to Hilda. Father to Arlo.
ARLO
CHEEVY:
Son to Waldo. Nephew to Hilda. Great Grandson to Miniver. Has
applied for a loan from the local branch of the Kennebec River Riverbank
Bank to open a hardware store in Tilbury bearing his name. Harley
Waterman, bank president, is expected to OK the loan as soon as Arlo
fixes him up with his aunt Hilda.
MIKE
CAVENDISH: Town
barber during haircut season and virtuoso on the jaws harp, spoons
and kazoo. Noted for his moving renditions of the classics.
CHAUNCEY
CHELLIS:
Cultural Guru and professional theatre raconteur. New owner of the
C. Schtix Hardware Store.
CASH
CROWLEY:
Owner of hardware store bearing his name.
MARION
DECIMAL:
Head (and sole) librarian. Widow of Dewey. Never remarried.
LEONORA
DOGBANE:
Never married. Too busy with her career as dramaturg at Theatre-on-the-Fritz.
(HAD
ENOUGH? So go HOME)
PHIL
DUOTANG:
Nephew of Howee Frapee on Howee's mother's side. An ordained minister
recently called to the Something-for-Everyone Church next door to
the Holy Mackerel Bar and Grill.
MILO
FERGUSON:
Current Community Intellectual by unanimous vote. A rabid Edwin Arlington
Robinson scholar. Everyone hopes the shots work for him.
SOD
FERMENT:
Potato farmer and playwright. Author of "Moonlight and
Potato Wine." Development Chair of Theatre on the Fritz and sixth
vice president of its five member board.
BERWICK
FINZER:
Formerly Richest Man in Town. How he got there and back is the subject
of Sod Ferment's next play "The Life and Times of Ferwick Binzer."
FARLEY
FINZER:
Berwick's spoiled brat of a son. Arrogant and piss-poor.
CALVIN
and ANNIE FISSURE:
Owners of the C & A Hardware store.
EBEN
FLOOD: Handyman,
carpenter and outhouse builder. Father of ...
FLOYDE,
FERGUS and FOEHN:
Sons of Eben Flood. Seeing Eben and his boys at work on a project
is like watching a ballet. The choreography is stunning.
FINNY'S
RAINBOW FRYHOUSE:
Conveniently located right next door to Perry Winkler's Smokehouse.
Owner Clem Finny offers one-of-a-kind gourmet dishes and fast take-out
service on three days notice.
SOPHIE
FLORSHEIMER: Justice
of the Peace, Tilbury's Public Defender and Official Town Photographer.
JUDGE
FRANKIE FLORSHEIMER:
Husband of Sophie. Frankie is a retired lawyer and parolee.
HOWEE
FRAPPEE: Former
Artistic Director of Theatre-on-the-Fritz and current owner of the
Holy Mackerel Bar and Grill next door to the church which now is the
new home of the Theatre.
(STILL
HERE? There's always HOME)
LUKE
HAVERGAL IV: Coach
of the New England Champion Taw team at Tilbury High and the only
citizen of Tilbury who knows for sure that Shakespeare is not just
the name of a fishing rod.
HOWARD
HATFIELD:
Erstwhile Community Intellectual last seen as a puff of white smoke
drifting lazily above the Central Maine Power Company's high tension
power lines over the Little League ballfield. He just didn't understand
electricity.
SADIE
HATFIELD:
Howard's widow and intellectual whynot.
HUBERT
HELLBENDER:
Postmaster and perpetual understudy at Theater-on-the-Frtiz.
HORACE
HELLMAN:
Unemployed philosopher and Tilbury's Liberal Laureate.
HANK
HEREFORD:
Widely known duct tape and haywire engineer and Public Utilities Director,
JEREMY
JACKSON-JOHNSON:
Freelance relief bartender around the area and star actor at Theatre-on-the-Fritz.
JIMBO
JENKINS:
Husband of Hazel and erstwhile owner of an erstwhile drug store
bearing his name.
HAZEL
JENKINS:
Wife of Jimbo. Runs her own cottage industry specializing in hand-made
duct tape.
CLIFF
KLINGENHAGEN VI: Good
Humor Man and direct descendant of Cliff Klingenhagen I.
IMOGEN
KLINGENHAGEN: Sister
to Cliff on their parents side. Quite hefty.
(CONGRATULATIONS
for coming this far! Sure you don't want to go HOME?)
WHEEZER
MALLOY: Local
attorney and tactless Town Treasurer. Owner of the hardware store
bearing Billy Provo's name.
OTIS
MEEKEL:
Former Tilbury tourist. Last seen one-tenth second before stepping
through the door of Gramp Boolean's still back in'88 while smoking
his last cigar.
HARRIET
MEEKEL:
Otis' widow and Tilbury's current tourist. Founded the annual Jim
Beam festival held every summer all summer in memory of her atomized
husband.
ELLIE
OVERSHOT:
Member: Tilbury Art and Culture Society. Aspires to an acting career.
Career score to date: auditions 476, roles 0.
CHESTER
AND TUSSY PHILMAN:
Missing parents of Tilbury's only glowing something-or-other.
SAM
and SADIE POTTS:
Owners of the S & S Hardware Store.
ELSIE
PRIAM:
Wife of Kermit and Koordinator of the Kennebec Kottage Kollaborative.
Widely known as the world's only source of genuine Tilbury Furnaces,
hand knit by skilled locals from imported steel wool. Kermit gets
it for her wholesale. Also available in do-it-yourself kit form.
KERMIT
PRIAM:
Husband of Elsie. Owns hardware store bearing his name.
BILLY
PROVO:
Former owner of hardware store bearing his name. Current town bum
because he didn't know a nail from a screw when he got one.
(STILL
HERE? WOW! Next to last chance to go HOME)
CHARON
SCHTIX:
Former owner of hardware store bearing his name. Now operates rowboat
ferry service between Tilbury Island and west bank of the Kennebec
River. Very taciturn and dour. Also doesn't like to talk and is sullen,
gloomy, forbidding.
SEYMORE
SEDGWICK:
Rehabilitated fire bug and former Eagle Scout. Only kid in Maine to
ever earn a merit badge in pyrotechnics. Recently elected head constable
and fire chief in Tilbury. In charge of special effect at the Theatre.
DAVE
SKCYSM:
First selectman and cultural guru. A hardware salesman by trade. Potentially
the richest man in town.
MERVYN
TAPTOE:
Director of the Taptoe Tip Toppers Touring Tap Dance Company. Owner
of the Taptoe Plie Tip Toe Ballet Studio, and the oldest man in town.
TYPHUS
TILBURY:
One of Tilbury's Five-Fathers. He and his four sons founded Tilbury
in 1620.
HARDING
WATERMAN: Houseboat
owner and president of the Kennebec River Riverbank Bank. Harding
owns the converted ice house which was home to Theatre-on-the-Fritz
until it collapsed last Spring.
WILLIE
WHIZZER:
Low achiever and occasional director at Theatre-on-the-Fritz. Unmarried,
and for good reason.
PERRY
WINKLER:
Operates a smokehouse specializing in the recovery and recycling of
road kill and other flat fauna. Also includes a pretty damn good hardware
department.
COUSIN
MYRON
and
UNCLE LOUIE: Shadowy
characters available for use when everyone else is too busy.
(WELL
YOU'VE COME THIS FAR. NO SENSE BAILING OUT NOW)
NON-RESIDENT
SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
GARY
WOOLSEY:
From Farmingdale where he runs the Hi Hat Bar and Grill. You can see
Tilbury Island from the third booth beyond the pie case.
JIM
BEAM:
The name of an overpriced store-bought corn likker.
BREAK-A-LEG BILL:
Occasional letter writer from northern Maine. Served in the Legislature
for many years before retiring and founding the highly successful
Eagle-Wing-and-a-Prayer community theatre up in Eagle Lake (pop. 47).
JOHN
CAGE: A
real person who's never even heard of Tilbury and who has no business
being on this list in the first place.
MARY
DAMSEL: A
passerby who occasionally writes from her home town of Distress, a
few miles upriver from Tilbury.
IRA
GOOGIN: Owner
of Googin's IGA store in nearby Randolph. National distributor of
Tilbury's finger-picked flash frozen fiddlehead greens.
VALKYRIE
HALVORSUN:
Lived briefly in Tilbury as a Swedish exchange student. Got her first
big break at the Barn Players Theatre in Johnson County Kansas when
she fell out of the second balcony while reaching for a Mars Bar tossed
up to her from someone in the first balcony.
KITTY
KROFFT:
Another outastate letter writer and passerby. Thinking of moving to
Tilbury. Good Grief!
LIZBET
from Cambridge:
Yet another passerby and sometimes letter writer from Massachusetts.
MAINE
GUIDE:
A generic term for someone who spends a lot of time in the woods with
no visible means of support.
T. THOMAS TWOMEY:
Defrocked Tibetan monk and itinerant stage director.
(
YOU DONE GOOD! NOW YOU CAN GO HOME WITH
A CLEAR CONSCIENCE)
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